What is Recruitment: A cry for help

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I’m in a very strange situation. Not so much predicament, more, I dunno, life stage of crippling pressure. Here I am, newly 21, graduated (shock to us all I know) and an addition to the country’s unemployment statistic. I used to think about finishing education and what that would feel like, and let me tell you 14 year old Andriana, big shocker, it isn’t all that liberating. I think deep down I never thought I’d get to this point, not like I’d die, just, stop existing. And everyone talks about life and your twenties, all this stuff about being able to do anything you want, go anywhere, life experiences, growing, eat/pray/love, new generation, Sims 3 Generations, you know all that. And I’m like, life just chill out, I’m still 14 I can’t have a job, I can’t use Excel (I totally can, potential employers, trust) WHAT IS RECRUITMENT? What is it? Why does every job want me to ‘liaise’? What jobs do people have? seriously though there’s like, many people in the country who have jobs, what jobs do they do? I might just stand outside inner city M&S Foods and ask people what they do because they look like my kind of people.

The weird toss up between getting any job because you don’t know what you’re looking for, or looking for a job you’re really interested in, just, why? I’m sorry but the educational system in this country is failing every child, because here I am, with all the privileges of good schools and good university, technically ‘educated’ and I know nothing about tax or the economy or any specific knowledge about the Middle east. But I can tell you what I fake did last weekend in French (went to the museum with Aunt and Grandmother, DM for more deets.) I can’t even do long division, how will I ever get a job in HR.

What’s the point I’m trying to make? Dunno. Who knows. I have a question, can anyone actually do their job? Say I have an interview and the person sitting opposite me is asking me questions about my experience with liaising and database synergy, I know in their head they’re just like, eugh cba to go to my boyfriends cousins wedding tomorrow I look fat in my dress and the food’ll be gross, and they’re there scrutinising my body language or whatever. Who cares. And realistically, any job  I get I’m going to enjoy, except for like, I dunno, PA to Anne Hathaway, so what’s with all the pressure world? The value of a degree in ancient history is really shining through here.

Anyway. I’ll stop complaining.

Do what you want with my body, of text.

Let’s start this by acknowledging that I understand the importance of education. Everyone understand that? I don’t care.

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Welcome to my latest rant. I hate the internet. (hey internet, don’t worry about what I say it’s just to prove a point you know I love you) Or maybe I hate what people become on the internet. Nothing enrages me more than the argument over theirs and theres and they’res. Because really, honestly, look deep into your soul; who cares. It’s the most irrelevant thing to call someone out for on Facebook or whatever.

For someone to put themselves out there and announce something publicly, only for a ‘friend’ to discount what they’re saying in front of all their other ‘friends’ is rude and a public nuisance. AND FOR WHAT? The wrong use of who and whom. WHOM CARES! Everyone knew what they were saying, you understood the point, what are these people trying to prove. I mean, It’s 15 words on being stuck in traffic on the school run, what earthly difference does spelling make.

Ok, in a book, in a newspaper, sure go ahead and get get it right, but good lord it’s facebook. Transient, fleeting facebook. And the grammar police act like they’re deeply offended by everyone not knowing the subject and object of a sentence and it’s their job to educate.

No. I won’t stand for it anymore. This is a call to arms. Liberation against proper noun pontification. Hurl abuses at those who make it their job to police online communication.

An Open Letter to the Government

Dear The Government,

Yeah, I know we don’t really know each other that well. To be honest your shady past really puts me off getting to know you. Everyone bad mouths you, but I know there’s got to be some good in there somewhere. I’m just sad these days, because the older I get, the more I lose faith in the power of democracy. Like, I would consider myself to be a mildly intelligent, eager young person with too much passion and nowhere to put it. Why do you think I go through phases of aggressive feminism? I am the perfect target to get swept up in a political movement, I’ve got too much youth and not enough perspective. I’m from the ‘I want it now’ generation, and this sure as hell applies to social change. You wanna be radical in any kind of way, I’ll support you. Just give me a likeable early 40’s woman to tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. A Tina Fey of British politics, if you will.

But I find myself seriously lacking in the political role model department. It’s like you’re trying to not give me someone to put my undying trust in. Because realistically, your party leaders are a joke. D Cams has had his day, Eddy Mills and ol’ mate Clegg will never get the respect and support from their people because they’ve let themselves be portrayed as fools. I mean, ok, be corrupt, power mad, evil, I don’t care. But be convincing about it at least! Look at Tony Blair, possibly the worst human; the camera loved him.

I’m sure you’ve heard Russell Brand telling people not to vote, and on the one hand I agree with him, but at the same time, what kind of approach is that to solving a problem. Look at where we are now, a few months before the 2015 campaigns start up properly and were pedaled with all the good deeds you guys are going to do for me; I am at a loss as to who I would consider voting for. Waste a vote on the Green Party? Always an option, and looking like the best bet right now. This whole politics being a joke has gone on for far too long. I don’t know if politics turns you mad or only mad people go into it, but get your shit together. There must be something about the slow grind of government that removes you from any former notion you might have had about inspiring change.

And lets take a second to consider how many ministers went to Eton; never mind any other private schools. There is no way one school churns out that many boys wanting to change society for the greater good. And lets also put aside how white government is (they don’t call it Whitehall for nothing, am I right?) and just look at the lack of female representation. It’s sickening to think that this is even still a thing in a society where women are supposedly equal. You can’t ever expect unprovoked change, and when it comes to the perception of women in positions of power, it has to come from the top. It’s on you, the government, to make the image of women in power normal.

If you make me go into politics, I swear, I’ll burn that place to the ground. All I’m saying is, give me someone to root for. Anyone. Just a seemingly decent person that’ll raise the minimum wage and incite educational reform. I mean, it’s really not that difficult.

Yours hesitantly,

Andriana Hambi

P.S. Exellent job with hiring Nigel Farage to be an extremist to make you all look normal. Great shout. Where did you find him? RADA? Kudos.

Leave me to grinch, don’t be dumb.

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“Shall we watch a movie?” “Yeah what do you want to watch?” “Mmm, something where I don’t have to think”. I’ve had this conversation about five hundred times, and, inevitably, the final decision always turns about to be something where Rachel McAdams gets the man she wants. No, this isn’t an attack on Rachel McAdams. This is an attack on the vilification of films where you do have to think. Films that take some concentration. Films that require you not too be refreshing Instagram every 5 minutes. Everyone’s played that game, me included. I fully understand how tempting it can be to half-watch Schindlers List whilst decorating your future home on Pinterest. And yes, wrought iron gates would look great on the French summer home you plan on owning, but oops, you’ve missed half the movie and you have no idea what’s going on. But the solution isn’t to stick to films where Paul Rudd didn’t seem like the right guy in the beginning, but by the end he turned out to be everything you never knew you wanted. What’s the point of watching movies if they’re always mindless. This may seem a tad hyperbolic, but it’s true.

But then, yes, there is a place for your Dear John’s and, yeah I’ll say it, Mean Girls for the 1000th time. And don’t get me wrong, Sleepless? You’ve got mail? THE BEST but alas I feel like there’s more to the film watching than The Notebook. It’s like only ever eating Honey Cheerios. Super easy, super nice, deceivingly bad for you, and you won’t shit for a week. There’s so much interesting stuff out there, and not enough hours in a lifetime to watch it all. Why constrict yourself to a 90 minute window where everything will be resolved and you never question your own humanity.

And anyway, what’s wrong with thinking? Thinking’s the best. It’s not like watching these movies is mediation and you’re gaining internal peace by switching off your mind. I’ve been conflicted over Gravity, because I didn’t see it when it came out, but the reviews were really good and it was supposedly the game changing film of the year. But then, everyone hated it and said it was boring and arduous. I watched it the other day, and you know what, it was pretty damn good. I liked that it was slow and had a strange arch. It was interesting and captivating and Sandra was, as always, mystifying. I’ll try and watch one of the films engineered to make girls cry and can’t help but let the plot holes and melodrama give me a burning unrest that consumes me, and suddenly I’m the heartless cynic? Sorry no. I don’t enjoy being the grinch of rom coms. (on a real though, I enjoy it a little bit)

I feel as though I’ve lost track here. So all I’ll say is, I don’t like that the world is the way it is. Basically.

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Hey now. I’m all for the right of women to choose. You know, it’s your life, you do what you want. This sounds abortion-y, it’s not don’t worry. Far more trivial. I’m talking about changing your name when you get married. I’ve never seen the appeal of taking the husbands name, mainly because I don’t see the point. Surely the constant presence of the same human being forever, never going away, always being there, constantly, is enough of a reminder that you’re married. I mean, it’s your name right? The only consistent way you identify yourself throughout your life; your brand. And then suddenly, on a completely unrelated note to your sense of self (hopefully) you get married, but then woah hold up you’ve got a different name. Ok maybe back when you were owned by your husband, but now, why would you want to? Really though, I’m asking the question because I want to know the answer. 

This is a completely irrelevant topic to anything, I just saw today Cheryl Cole changed her name and it got me thinking. She’s a good example because I guess she wasn’t that famous before she married Ashley Cole, but she’s like a real person, a household name (gross). What is so momentous about this marriage that she wants to always be referred to in relation to her husband? I don’t think it’s an issue of not thinking the marriage is going to work. I’ve just figured out what confused me about this. Ok fine, change your name personally, whatever who cares. But why professionally? She is Cheryl Cole, the artist (debatable) and TV personality. Why is it so important that everyone knows she’s married and loves her husband. Isn’t privacy a big thing for minor celebrities like her to campaign for. It seems like an invitation for people to pry. 

Anyway who cares. 

Nick Clegg; cool uncle or creepy family friend

Oh have you heard? Nick Clegg says the Lib Dems promise to scrap jail sentences for possession. Woah, big statement there Nicky. Remind anyone else of some seemingly broad mandates aka empty promises? I think I’ve figured out the problem here. The Lib Dems are trying so hard to be the cool uncle of politics; down with the kids, up for anything. No, sorry no (not sorry). Firstly, this is not an appropriate way to win the affections of your electorate, especially for them, considering their track record. Secondly because ok say in the one in 10 million chance they gained any sort of power next year, that would mean they’d have to actually do something, which, considering the fact that they’re Lib Dem, is extremely unlikely. 

ALSO NICK this whole trying to win over younger voters is so pathetic it’s gross. I feel some serious Eton inferiority complex seeping into his politics, seeing as he’s always trying to play with the cool kids. It said that 1000 people a year get jailed for possession each year, surely that’s not a lot? Surely this whole thing is just a gesture of “liberal” values. And half of those jailed were Marijuana ones so, ya know. This is obviously just a super thinly veiled attempt to win back some sort of fan base.

The worst part of this is is that if it were anyone else calling for reform in the treatment of drug addiction I would be saying yeah you go gurl. Because he’s right, you can’t expect being locked in a house of drug lords to cure you from addiction. It’s an illness not a crime. But shut up Nick Clegg, no one wants you at their party. 

And to those who still cry about the fees, and say how it was a travesty that they said they’d do one thing, and then did the complete opposite, well, that’s politics. And if they do get reelected, one way or another, I’m not holding my breath for any change. 

Also yes I understand this is the only post I’ve done in America, but I saw this and it was funny to me so. 

Dear Mindy III

This blog is slowly becoming an open letter to various female comedians; I understand this. This is all I have. 

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Anyone watched The Mindy Project? No, probably not. Despite my rave reviews and persistence, you’re not missing out. I’ve really given it a chance, and yes of course I’ll still watch it, but, gosh darn it, I wouldn’t recommend it to a friend. This truly pains me to admit, because she is so cool, and had so much potential to be the next Tina (yeah, I said it).

Of course everyone knows the minutia of her life, so you’ll know she basically learned to write at The Office. You’d think being at a show which mastered the art of character and letting a joke land would affect her somehow, But TMP fails in all these areas and more. I appreciate that she’s let Mindy the character be unlikeable; it’s a brave choice that isn’t often taken in shows with a female lead. But the problem here is, man or woman, you can’t have a heavily flawed character who is also super annoying. I can take a flawed character, I really can. But the one flaw I have no time for is the damsel in distress. Some people might not see it as a flaw, but endearing; it makes me want to vomit, and it’s been really played up in TMP lately. 

ON TOP OF THIS there’s no other un-annoying characters in this show, and it’s not even like they’re annoying but well rounded; their only one facet is annoyingness. It’s a shame because it’s got some great writers, two from 30 Rock, so you’d think it’d be a better attempt. And don’t even start on this reliance on guest people for ratings. It’s really hindered the development of this season, for Mindy and all the characters, because all we see is her in relation to different types of men, and then some pointless B story for the rest of the other ‘characters’. 

Anyway, all I’m saying is, I’m very sad this is a bad show, and It needs to be scrapped. I feel so bad for her,but she’s put herself into this hole, and I can’t imagine there’s a way out at this point. It’s not like other shows like Parks and Rec that needed a good two season development time, its left itself no leeway for change. All the characters have their ‘thing’ and that’s made them caricatures from the beginning. I am fully aware that I’m the only person in the world who cares about this, or has thought about it this much. I apologise for nothing.

Summertime Sadness

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I’ve had some sad realisations today. I’ll be away all summer, and there’s so much I’m going to miss. You know, the familiar faces, the inside jokes. I am of course talking about TV. Sadly I’ll be missing the finale of Veep and various other shows, but also some big films (for me) that I won’t see until I come back.

One that’s been popping up on my Amy Poehler Google alert for a while now is They Came Together with her, Paul Rudd and all sorts of really cool-seeming people are that are really not famous outside of LA and my mind. This movie looks like everything I ever want any movie to be.

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Jenny Slate? No? Parks and Rec? Still avoiding that? Anyway it’s her new film Obvious Child, again with loads of random half famous people. She’s super funny, but can she pull it off? We’ve seen a lot of funny second men falter as the lead. We will see.

Chef, now this one is full of actually famous people, hopefully not Valentine’s Day style but it’s looking that way. Jonny Favs wrote and starred, and we all know (I know) how I feel about this, could be dangerous. Again we’ll see, but it looks very appetizing.

A Million Ways to Die in the West Seth McF, I have mixed feelings. Ted was aiite, no massive triumph. And he’s in this one not using his Peter Griffin voice, so it’ll be interesting to see him not hiding. Charlize as a comedic lead…oosh could be painful. Young Adult was good though but this looks a lot bigger. All rather tenuous but could be the best movie ever. NPH will no doubt steal the show.

 

 

 

Danny DeVito, Crack, Chest Hair: An argument for the canonisation of Tina Fey

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As I’m sure you’ve been made aware from various Facebook groups and Buzz Feed articles, April 30th marks 10 years since the release of Mean Girls. Now, I don’t mean to be over dramatic, but I feel like that movie had a profound effect on my life, and if you’re still reading this, probably yours as well. I’m not going to ramble about how many times I’ve seen it, or quote it like I’m the only one who knows every note of it, because, let’s be real, who can’t quote the whole film.

I’m talking a real genuine effect. There’s so much in this film, you need to watch it 100 times to appreciate. Eg Janis Ian, named after real life lesbian singer and 1st performer on SNL, and so many other film references that I didn’t get when I was 11, and still don’t really get now really. The best character is, as we all know, Regina’s mother. Aside from the fact that it’s Amy Poehler who plays her, she is truly the highlight of this movie.

Yes, it’s silly and funny and unbelievably quotable, but it has so much more depth than any other high school movie. I think that part is all Tina. Look at She’s the Man. A great film, hilarious – but meaningless. John Tucker Must Die, same kind of themes to Mean Girls, but doesn’t even come close to it. Why? It’s because Mean Girls has a message, and isn’t trying to be a nerd becomes popular story aka the whole of Lizzie McGuire. I feel like that’s all high school movies ever are – classic underdog stories. And in a way that’s what Mean Girls is, but It’s different because the Asian nerds are happy being Asian nerds, and the burnouts are content with burning out. For Cady, there was never an intent to become popular, but she got corrupted. If anything, it’s more of a historical drama.

I think it portrays everything myself and Tina stand for, glorifying the ordinary. Think about the teenage girl TV of the last 10 years, The OC, Gossip Girl, 90210. A lot of very rich, very pretty people (Seth Cohen). Mean Girls was the opposite, and ahead of its time. So all I’m saying is, we’ve all got a lot to thanks Tina Fey for.

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Twitter Suggestions: Groovy Chick edition

There’s a small group of people in this world who I consider to be a ‘groovy chick’ or ‘funky lady’ eg Tina Fey always and forever. Unfortunately for us all, she’s not on twitter. But here’s a run down of some sassy sistas who’re worth sometime.

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1) Jameela Jamil – for some reason some she tends to get some bad press. Been in the middle of a couple of twitter wars, but she seems like a really nice girl, someone I could be friends with. I’ve read her whole blog (can’t you tell I have essays to write) and she seems like a really down to earth kinda chica. I’m a big believer in being a respectful human being, and I feel like she gets this. I don’t listen to the Sunday chart show because I have hobbies, but I’m sure she’s entertaining enough. Her column in Company was good, I don’t know if she still does is. I’d check her out.

2) Almie Rose aka Apocalypstick – I’ve been reading her blog for like 2 years now and she’s another one who’s just super chill. She also has a book which is pretty funny. Another of the breed of cool chicks who know whats up. She’s often got an interesting things to say about life and Mad Men. She does a great Betty Draper.

3) Grace Helbig – Daily Grace, or whatever she is these days. I’ll be honest I’ve seriously gone off Youtube (story for another day), but she’s still a twitter favourite. She has the tendency to constantly promote, but does comes out with some zingers.

4) Mindy Kaling – We all know my feelings, I feel I don’t need to repeat.

5) Me – because, well, come on now.